morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well I just put wine in my tea
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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