We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
