yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
