She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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