It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
