And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
and she was petting her beer can
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
