he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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