he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
