He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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