i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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