Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize