Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize