Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
