2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize