well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
