You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think my moral compass just broke
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