Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
