the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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