There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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