I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
