Welp...herpes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
