I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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