There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
