Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
