Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize