When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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