Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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