Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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