I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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