Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
