Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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