She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
