every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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