My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
