How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
