Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize