I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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