They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
