I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
