She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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