I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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