my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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