Someone shit on the floor
there's paper in my vomit.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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