my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
