I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
