So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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