if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
