i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
