so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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