that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
