Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
