She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
