i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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