Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
