When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
