Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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