i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
