I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
