She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
