i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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