matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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