who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
