: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
