My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
