The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
