Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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