I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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