How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
