I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
