I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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