i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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